What’s the difference between your wife and your job? His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. Live smarter, look better,​ and live your life to the absolute fullest. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. These are some funny things to say. 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from! One liner tags: food, people, puns, time. It puts men over the edge when a woman says she's going commando. She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.

5 Times Fast. Oh come on, you can admit it. Say the following out loud: “ i 1 2 ½ 6.”, Tell someone to spell “i-HOP” and then say “ness.”, Ask anyone to say “eye” and then spell “map” and then say “ness.”. He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes One man confessed that anything said seductively in a foreign language gets him ready to go. I refused. ", 14. After 10 years, the job still sucks. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. "This is unacceptable and we must do better.". A. 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes :D Then I also know the joke of where you say silk 10 times quickly and then you ask the person, "what do cows drink?" The more you play with it, the harder it gets. Enter your email address to get the best tips and advice. RELATED: 5 Sexy Ways To Up Your Foreplay Game And Totally Wow Him. ", "I love when my partner wakes up in the morning and says something like, 'I had the dirtiest dream ... you wouldn't believe what I was doing. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican, “Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood, “Do I believe in safe sex? The other watches your snatch. – Gary Delaney, I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes One's a Goodyear. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd, “Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry, “When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? "About 35,"he replied. You don't have to have kids to appreciate the corniest, punniest dad jokes of all time. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. But share them we must, because there's something about repeating raunchy jokes that make us feel more alive. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? "I had the dirtiest dream about you last night. Alex Alexander is a frequent contributor to YourTango.

Slow down and possibly use some lubricant. ", A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. ", A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. Spell it twice. time. Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.” Wonder Woman sits up and says,”What the hell was that! You should speak with a dermatologist about your answers to this quiz to get a proper diagnosis. Why did the chicken cross the road? It just waved.". I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr, “Animals don’t watch porn do they? 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes)

His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually. 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! 1. Rumkin.com >> Fun Stuff >> Tongue Twisters. ", Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell, “My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. At tooth-hurty (2:30) What do you call a clock on the moon? What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? Depends. There is no rush!" 2. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney. 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 82.72 % / 424 votes. 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds And have we got some great dirty jokes for you. How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp? A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" And it's a surefire way to make him want you. 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. I bought a box of condoms earlier today.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students? The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone. 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners

These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. The Most Awesome Men's Entertainment Site On The Internet. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? What's long and hard and full of semen?

said Dad. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. "I am actually 47!" 4. Why don’t rednecks try reverse cowgirl? Making sure he knows how excited you get before he even touches you will make him feel that way. The other watches your snatch. Tell a guy to say “my dixie wrecked” ten times fast. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop". While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners Tell someone to say “We Todd Ed” ten times fast. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes He was whispering in my ear.

25 Things Foreigners Admire About Americans. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. They are both meat substitutes. If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner. 24. Keep the tip. 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians How did you do that?" He wanted to see time fly! Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman. It's the same with really great dirty jokes. Three vampires walk into a bar.

We asked men to share with us the phrases they've heard from women that drive them absolutely wild with desire, and they didn't hold back — at all. 2.

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